Living the Life

Be glad you don't live in this kind of 24 hour a day traffic. It's a nightmare. Pure nightmare.

...cried a lot. First, I played online scrabble- actually called LITERATI with the below pictured hotties ;). I got to experience all of Anand's competitiveness through the internet and even got Affiee to help me cheat but Anand still got double my score. The kid is a genius I tell ya... even if it did take him six years to complete undergrad. I had so much fun but it made me so much more acutely aware of how I much I miss the friends who know me, who really know me. After the game I cried. I am not kidding.

Then I remembered how a few days ago I talked to my dear love, Vivien Monteros and how she is the first person to bring me to tears on this crying week I've had. I never cry on the phone even when I talk to my family but the minute I heard Viv's voice I broke down.

Then Somchit the monk called me. He might be a friend who knows me, really knows me. He told me he is moving to "Laos State, America." I don't know where that is- Wisconsin? Anyway, I think that is code for- it's a secret and I will tell you later. Somchit the monk lives in Laos and is also a genius- 23 and speaks like 6 languages or something. After we talked, I cried because I was sad he is gonna leave me and go to America to be a monk... (how weird I know).

I moved to where my only female, Thai Christian friend in Bangkok lives- Ramkhamhaeng 1 if you know where that is (paul ;) ). She told me she had a room available next to hers and I told her I didn't care if it was small, I just wanted to live next to her. Then, when I went there, I realized small means I can touch walls opposite one another at the same time. I asked her if she ever felt like she lived in a jail cell and she laughed. My friend is a college grad and has a respectable job working at a bank and her room is seriously ghetto with a capital G. After I saw it I nearly cried wondering how a girl working in a bank can live in such poor conditions. I am still moving there because I have decided that I don't even have the faintest idea what it means to sacrifice even though I am branded with the word. I've decided I need a bout of self-induced sacrifice.... because as Soren Kierkegaard, my dead boyfriend says, if its not self-induced it's not even sacrifice.

I am going to Nepal for two months.... I cried because I am excited and also because I am sad.

Today I have decided I am an emotional disaster. Haha.

I have decided the worst part about my sojourning lifestyle is that I want to be in so many places at once and I cannot.

This was such a long and random post.... but sometimes I just want to ramble on probably only for the sake of my parents who are the only people who read this start to finish :).

...he had indelibly cast himself in his chosen role: as malcontent, as rebel, as outlaw poet prowling the gutters of a ruined world. -Paul Auster

"Same Same" is a Thai expression... meaning "uh, it's the same" :)

My friend/lecturer wrote this article about the migrant situation in Thailand with primarily Burmese crossing the border to give America a few ideas.

Who are these two amazing South Asian guys? I don't know but I do know it was one their birthdays this week... Sorry I am the worst best friend a guy could have and that I've managed to miss your birthday something like three years in a row, Anand. Anyway, hope that it was the best, bro. Miss you much always. And you too, Affiee ;)

I got a one-on-one lesson about the difference between Stalinism and Marxism and why as I’ve heard before, "the world has never seen a real communist state.”

I thought I’d break it down for you friends of mine who are always dogging the Marxist mantra saying it’s a failed ideology. It’s not failed and I, the disciple of Thailand’s leading Marxist will help you see why… :)

Marxism- mandates that first a large percentage of the population fall into the category of ‘working class’. Then, and only then, can it move forward and be a movement instigated by the workers for the workers. Ie. Industrialization must precede Marxism.

Stalinism- emerged out of a country where the work force was a very small percentage of the overall population. Russia had about 3 million workers and 160 million peasants in 1917 when this all began. This makes Stalinism something very different than Marx’s picture of Communism from the very very beginning.

Marxism- believes in a globalized socialism.

Stalinism- 1924 Stalin created the notion of “Socialism within one country” which actually serves the purpose of the bureaucrats only for the survival of the bureaucrats and supposedly, Russia.

Marxism- Does not believe in the idolatry of any person (ya, just like Christians. Haha)

Stalinism- Stalin hijacked the image of Lenin, and utilized it as a means of propaganda so as to persuade people that his ideology was aligned with Lenin’s. In fact, they are not. This tactic of enshrining Lenin and making him out to be someone that Stalin supposedly revered was merely for the persuasion of the masses to believe that Marxism=Leninism=Stalinism and apparently its still working since some people still believe this is the succession of communist thought.

Stalinism- used his international recognition as the Communist Party Leader of Russia to get a lot of attention and manipulate communism around the world to work towards Russia’s own advantage.

Marxism- Again, Marxism does not promote idolatry- even of one’s own nation :) No to Nationalist Propaganda! :) (speaking of Nationalistic Propaganda, did anyone see MI:3? The stupidest part was when Tom Cruise says, “We’ll do what America does best- Clean up. Democracy is the future” or something like that- the swede-thai halfling was dying laughing as was this yank)

Stalinism- Actually at one time in 1936, told revolutionaries in Spain to revolt but not so much as to make UK and France mad because at that time Russia was in good cahoots with its Western friends. Stalinism openly supports cross-party alliances.

Marxism- Real Marxism would not sacrifice ideals and doctrine in order to make cross-party alliances. In fact, real Marxism does not believe in the practice of cross-party alliances.

Marxism- believes in production for the people by the people to meet their needs.

Stalinism- believed in the production of arms more than anything, thus the reason Russia was militarily strong, but had people waiting in line for simple items such as bread.

Stalinism- believes and practices ‘state capitalism’ which benefits again the interest of the bureaucrats

Marxism- does not.

That’s the end of my notes. Not really, but the Marxist-Stalinist lesson of today stops here.

Some of you already know that I am amongst the minority of Christians who disagree with Bono's push for debt relief. And just for the record, it wasn't Bono or Live 8 that even brought debt relief onto the agenda for the G8 summit last year.... but that's besides the point.

I love Bono- I've been listening to him since who knows when due to my much wiser older sister's obsession with U2 since long before Joshua Tree. But, even Bono deserves questioning... so please, look at the complexity of situations. Even love thinks critically.

Really.

"Uganda was forgiven its debts... as a consequence, government indulged itself in very luxurious expenditure...and invaded Congo and Sudan."

I don't know why I keep thinking about debt relief these days, but it just keeps coming into the stream of thought, so click here, here, here, here, or here for a bit of info.

Externally a lot of my friends here in Bangkok have amazing lives. Lives that wow you when you listen to the things they've done, the places they been, and what they are doing now. But despite their sucesses, intellect, character, beauty, or exciting lives, lately the only thing I have been hearing is the emptiness of their hearts.

....has a post worth your while. Well, a lot of them are worth your while, but I can't give her a shout out everyday (even though she deserves one that frequently).... but today you really need to read her blog.

I wrote this a few months back on a day I was feeling less than hope filled and less than spiritual. That kind of fits my mood today, so sorry about the raw and blatant honesty ahead, but I think you can all handle it, and if not don't say I didn't warn ya.

Walk By
What is this world so numb to pain?
Living life only in vain.
Everyday I walk down the same busy road
living my same busy life
Seeing the same dirty beggars
Without thinking twice.
Eyes in blinders I only see what I want to see
My life, my pain, my goals, and me.
One little child I see everyday
Prostrate with her hands up to pray
Five years old- begging for a buck
Just walk by like I don’t give a fuck
But if I give her the dollar
It just makes my guilt feel smaller
Perpetuates the system
She’s been slipped in.
You think she keeps that money?
Hell no.
The only time she’s sees that cash
Is sitting in the paper cup until I pass.
Waiting around the corner
Is the man who owns her
Takes the money and leaves the kid
For the next to show pity like the last guy did.
So I just walk by.
Baby girl in her dirt covered body
But her heart’s worse-the way it’s rotting
Hardened over like a full grown man
From the pain of life she can barely stand.
I see a child but that’s not what she’s become.
Evil wants her- and I’m afraid it’s won.
So I just walk by. Walk by Walk by.
Sitting there with her empty cup
Property of another higher up
Walk by Walk by-a million do
See this baby with only one shoe
Locked up a slave every damn night
Don’t cry out, baby, you’ll lose the fight
Slaves of men is this little child
Fucking assholes so damn vile
Empty Hollow
So much to swallow
Yet, I walk by
Like a million before
Thinkin’ what can I do
For a child made a whore
I think about grabbing her from off the street
But something inside of me is afraid of defeat
They’re watching her
They see her
They’re all around
They own her
She’s theirs
And there ain’t nothin’ I can do
But walk by like I ain’t gotta clue
Of this hell of a life this baby girl is livin’
Born into beyond her decision.
The worst part of all
Is if she doesn’t die from this hell
She’ll grow up and her body she’ll sell
And all those fuckin’ idiots will all together say
She’s a grown woman, and if she’s willing I’ll pay
Hot piece of ass is all they’ll see
Not knowing it’s the life she’s had since age three
But I’ll just walk by
Like all the rest
Condemn me if you want, I already know that you will
Up on your high horse like you did more than stand still
Walk by walk by.
It’s what we did.
You and I.
We just. Walked. By.

I went to the dentist for the first time ever in Asia today. They made me take my shoes off. Then they blind folded me. The place was really nice- nicer than my dentist office in the states, but... I don't know.... it was just a bit weird hearing all these noises and not knowing what was going on...